The plot thickens

A re-creation of the shocking scene witnessed by a TOS reporter in downtown Hatyai yesterday afternoon.

Mystery over tomorrow's SH3 run deepened when a TOS correspondent discovered the supposedly absent "technical advisor" lurking in front of a seedy Hatyai massage parlor late yesterday afternoon. By way of explanation the flustered TA blurted out that he was "waiting for a virgin".


Location of the notorious massage parlor: Possible B site for tomorrow's run?

It has meanwhile come to light that a recent recce for the upcoming run, the latest in a series by loose-cannon hares Kii Leum and R2D2, employed not one but two GPS units, with additional processing power being supplied by what was described as a "supercomputer".

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a respected SH3 ex-GM refused to comment.

Achtung! Achtung!

Cast your mind back to February this year. Just another Saturday afternoon; just another SH3 run. Well let's be more precise: it was a Yardstick/Tutti Fruity run from another "brand new run site", this one way down the 4.7k turn off the old Hatyai road almost as far as Wat Nerm Pichit, then about 4k left into the bush. For those whose memories are tripped by such trivia, the run number was 1498 and, oh yes, just before the run we had an erection which resulted in R2D2 being elevated to the GM-ship. Were you there? Not sure? Well maybe this will help: a list of the attendees, who were:

NOSIN, CITY TITS, PALM JOB,AFTER OURS, SELF PUMPER, STICK INSECT, ROADRUNNER, R2D2, GASEOUS CLAY, YARDSTICK, BUK TOY, PIG PORKER, CHAO NGOR, KNACKERWURST, CRACKWURST, SUPER PIG, BRAVE FART, RAM IT IN, GAN YAO, EGGHEAD, ONLY A YOLK, TUTEE FRUITY, CHICKEN KILLER, PEPPERED PUSSY, WILDFLOWER, PAK MA, LAST LOVER, SOFTCOCK, FLOWERPOT MAN, DOG NUMBER 6, SEX SPRINTER, BEER TRUCK DRIVER 111, TEMPORARY RELIEF, TAU HU YEE, PHONE SEX, SOFTDOG, HOI YAI, ILLEGAL BEAGLE, KOREAN BBQ, SCHMUCKME WITHERSPOON, Hans and Sam (from the Parlang.

So we've narrowed down the suspects and logically since the 'crime' involves a book, we can probably eliminate the Thai runners (as it didn't have many pictures), the dogs and also the victim, which leaves us with this list of possibles:

STICK INSECT, R2D2, YARDSTICK, BRAVE FART, GAN YAO, EGGHEAD, TUTEE FRUITY, LAST LOVER, SOFTCOCK, FLOWERPOT MAN, SCHMUCKME WITHERSPOON, Hans and Sam (from the Parlang).

So for those 13: Achtung! Achtung!

Some time during the afternoon, Gan Yao returned two books to Knackerwurst. One was "The Boat" which was immediately lent to Schmuckme Witherspoon, who despite managing to leave it in the beer truck on the way home, retrieved it, read it and returned it to Knackerwurst a couple of weeks later. The other book was:

Inferno: The Devastation of Hamburg, 1943.Lowe, Keith (2007: Viking Press. ISBN 0-670-91557-2)

This was also lent by Knackerwurst to one of the 13 possibles above, who, as far as is know still retains it, as they have never returned it to Knackerwurst.

If you borrowed Knackerwurst's book could you please return it to him as soon as possible or at least let him know that you have it and will get it back to him as soon as possible. Otherwise.... remember the Reichstag? Poland? Czekoslovakia? The Sudetanland? Anne Franck? You could be next!

2009 Scandals, Part III: Extreme Makeover of the Year

Step aside, Tiger Woods. 2009 was the year that Egghead truly came off the rails.

It apparently began with his demotion from the most powerful man in English-language education in the Deep South to just another lowly teacher. "You could see the defeat in his eyes," said one well-known bar owner, speaking on condition of anonymity. "What else did he have left but cheap liquor and cheaper women?"

A number of notorious nightspots on Songkhla's seedy Srisuda Rd. were happy to provide both commodities. Bingeing at establishments with names like "Potato Bar" and "Bonnie Bar", the errant Egg was seen in the company of a variety of women, including both ex-students (top photo) and wives (lower photo).

Meanwhile on the home front, he progressed from a pussy obsession to kinkier realms. "He said the goat was to trim his lawn," said a new hasher, speaking on condition that we do not refer to him as Bruce. "But everyone knows goats don't eat grass." Evidently inspired by the pre-revolution nightclubs of Havana, goat shows were performed for rowdy audiences and visitors were offered short-time rooms.

"He looks like such an English gentleman," said one ex-student, speaking on condition that this reporter pay her barfine. "But inside, well, let's just say he's the kind of beast every woman secretly dreams of."

2009 Scandals, Part II: Bad Date of the Year

Rotten has always had an eye for feminine beauty, so he must have thought it was his lucky day when he wandered into the Bonnie Bar a few months ago and spotted a new young lovely called Nam. What he didn't know was that Stick Insect had just finished his own little tete-a-tete with "her", at least until Egghead had unsportingly alerted him to the fact that Nam wasn't quite what "she" appeared to be.

To be fair, after some embarrassing billing and cooing, Rotten eventually did figure it out for himself. (Perhaps he conducted a covert fertility exam?) But the real problem wasn't Nam's chromosome count. It was her inability to count beyond 500 after Rotten gave her a B1000 note. He went postal, and not for the first time in these premises.

The postscript: Shortly afterwards, following another incident, Nam was banished from the Bonnie. Rotten, as far as we know, remains under self-banishment.

Coming soon: Part III, Extreme Makeover of the Year

2009 Scandals, Part I: Romance of the Year

Let's face it, Songkhla Hash is no longer a hotbed of romantic activity. Most of us have reached the age where we are set in our ways. The attached among us remain attached. The single stay single. (True, your GM this year acquired a new consort, but she's still on probation. Or maybe he is.) The once-raging fires within us have burned down to the last glowing embers.

So what an unexpected delight it is when, in our midst, true love rears its strangely beautiful, horny head. As a sensitive young farm lad, Softcock spent many a tender moment with a succession of four-legged companions. And now, thanks to a chance meeting with Egghead's goat Cherie (named after the wife of Tony Blair, Egg's secret fantasy -- Cherie, that is, not Tony), romance has blossomed once again.

There will be those who denounce man-ruminant love as unnatural, even abhorrent. But to see this happy couple gambolling over the lawn at chez Egg, as innocent and carefree as children, who can deny them their bliss? For remember, it could happen to ewe.

Coming soon: Part II. Bad Date of the Year