Egghead reviews run #1470 and detects the seeds of declineThe statistics from last weekend’s Stick Insect/Pak Ma run make it obvious that SH3 has some serious attendance problems which if not remedied quickly will undoubtedly result in the demise of the Hash within the next century or so. Only 5 years ago, SH3 was turning out an average of 44.356 hounds and 2.146 hares every week and based on Saturday’s attendance of 42 hounds and 2 hares, has therefore lost 2.356 hounds and 0.146 of a hare in that time. Crudely, this means that assuming a constant absolute loss of hounds over time, SH3 will cease to exist in 89 years and 7 week’s time, or more worryingly based on the deterioration in the gross hare average per week, there will be no hares to set runs beyond February 2078, so that the final 21 years of existence of the hash would consist of the hounds running round in ever decreasing circles in pursuit of non-existent hares.
I think that the causes of this situation are apparent from what happened on Saturday and that we must adapt what we are doing to try to attract back the missing 2.356 hounds. Firstly, I am indebted to His Excellency the GM for publishing the quite shocking aerial representation of Saturday’s run, which reveals that just under half of it was on a road. This is clearly not going to be attractive to the majority of right thinking people who based on my observations, spend far more than half of their waking hours on or immediately adjacent to roads and are unlikely therefore to be attracted to a run which takes them off of the road for more than half of its course.
The second problem obvious from the aerial plan of the run is that for a good deal of its route, it is actually headed away from the point to which it is aimed and that even when it begins to bend in the direction of the run site, it then wastefully proceeds past it instead of heading straight to it, as any sensible person would expect it to do. Clearly the underlying concept of our runs is responsible for a large part of the fall off in attendance we have suffered and I would suggest that to attract back the missing 2.356 hounds we should instruct what is left of our hares that future runs should consist of a short excursion on a road which is aimed precisely at the point to which it is intended to finish the run, viz the beer. For those people who persist in the fallacy that excessive exertion is going to provide them with some health benefit, I would suggest that we should chain them to a lamp-post by one ankle and provide them with a blindfold so that they can repeat the run as many times as they wish while maintaining the impression that they are not simply walking round in circles. Perhaps we could even set aside a small area where they can pursue their anti-social activities without upsetting the other more normal hashers.
Another problem which is obvious from Saturday’s debacle is that the location of the run was clearly not attractive to the missing 2.356 hounds (a hypothesis which is indisputably established by the fact that they did not come to the run). Again, it is not hard to see why this is. In order to reach the run site, the hardy individuals who did attend had to drive for a distance of at least 15 kilometers from central Songkhla, and during the course of this difficult and arduous trek had to make two sharp turns, one in rightwards direction, the other in exactly the opposite direction, to wit, left. Now I need hardly dwell upon the stress inducing nature of such behavior, not to mention the wear and tear exerted on the cars used for the purpose, nor on the unnecessary waste of fuel that this involved. To make matters worse, the location was completely different from the location of the run the previous week, and this week, I am horrified to see, involves yet another novel location. It is also worth pointing out that many of the people who were at Saturday’s run drove to within 2 kilometers of the run site again on Sunday in order to repeat the whole wasteful performance. To what end I ask?
A further unfortunate aspect of the location of the run was that it took place outside in the open air. Now I am no expert in matters of public health, but I think it is well-known that being outside in the fresh air is associated with a number of serious and life-threatening illnesses, notably skin cancer, lassa fever, bronchial pneumonia and colonic irrigation. It is also worth bearing in mind that in these troubled times of the H1N1 virus, when chikungunya, malaria and dengue mosquitos are threatening to bring civilization to it’s knees, all these little beasties are air-borne and that we are undoubtedly placing ourselves at great risk by standing out in the open-air where any one of these diseases and many more besides could attack us at any moment.
Additionally, I think there are a number of features of what we do while we are at the hash which are leading to the missing 2.356 hounds having fallen by the wayside. Firstly, I think it is worth pointing out that while women and children are a necessary and indeed at times (albeit rare) pleasurable aspect of existence, their demeanor while at last week’s run was such as to raise doubts about the propriety of allowing them the degree of liberty of behavior that was demonstrated on Saturday. I was for instance quite shocked to observe that none of the children had been given roses to sell and at no time was I approached with the customary cheery greeting of “ Hey Falang, gimme 10 Baht!”, making me wonder whether the parents of these urchins are actually mindful of their economic well-being. As to the women at the run, let me make it clear that I fully support the right of women to take part in social gatherings of this nature, within reason, and providing their behavior is in accord with their natural role in society which is, not to put to finer point on it to be… well… pussy. I think I speak for all right minded people (i.e. men) when I say that the sight of women cavorting in body covering clothing indulging in private conversations and obviously enjoying themselves without the intervention of men is quite distasteful and that I was particularly appalled that at no time during the entire afternoon did any woman remove her T shirt nor attempt to give me a massage. Clearly if we are to attract back our lost 2.356 lambs we must ensure that these aspects of normal sexual etiquette are attended to.
Finally, I am in complete agreement with the Hash Whip, Herr Uberoldenfarten Knackerwurst, that the recent outbursts of verbal insults and name-calling have done nothing to encourage our less regular members to make their attendances a little more frequent. In fact I believe that the whole business of calling ourself a “hash” has got to stop as has the reference to “runs”. The words have unpleasant connotations and to many people suggest fit people in skimpy sports attire sweating and getting dirty in unpleasant jungle surroundings. In fact, I suspect that few people outside of our immediate circle any longer associate the term with what we should actually be concentrating on, i.e. drinking beer. I would suggest that if we were to stop referring to ourselves as a “hash” and to our gatherings as “runs”, this might provide a positive incentive to our lost 2.356 hounds to rejoin our ranks.
Therefore, to summarize, I think that in future we should hold our gatherings in a more convenient regular location in the center of Songkhla and that they should be conducted for the most part indoors with any actual physical activity being restricted to necessary transfers between bars, and trips to the toilet, pool table, short-time room etc. Any movements outside in the unhealthy air should be confined to roads, if possible in cars. Women should be encouraged to adopt a more appropriate role consistent with their natural talents and any pretence of fitness or eternal youth should give way to a more healthy decline into age-related complaints such as drunkenness and depravity. In fact if this approach were adopted more generally I believe that the organization formerly known as the hash could take on a new role as the leading social organ of Songkhla with a wider membership encompassing the halt and the lame, the obese and unhealthy, the drunk and debauched, and a wide spectrum of opinions ranging from the Songkhla Nazi tendency to the BBMLF*. The whole ethos of exclusivity which has grown up around the Hash could be wiped away in one sweeping gesture of political correctitude and the distinctions which have resulted in the disastrous loss of 2.356 members could at a stroke be made a thing of the past.
Of course there will be those who will resist such a move, but in keeping with their inalienable human right to be foul anti-social disease-ridden smelly do-gooding outcasts if they like that sort of thing, they could go off somewhere well away from the confines of the amazing healthy city of Songkhla and skulk together in some god-forsaken field and run round in the jungle getting all dirty and sweaty, just so long as they don’t do it near us! They could even give themselves a name if they wanted, something like the United Reformed Hashers for Jesus, or just the hash for short. Then they could all stand around and complain that it used to be better in the good old days and become bitter and twisted about the fact that they could be having more fun in a bar somewhere.
So let’s have no more of this nonsense; if we want our 2.356 hashers back, it’s time for a change! (Oh yes and nice run, Cat, shame about the road, but you’ll just have to get Sticky under control next time. I suggest a good strong collar and a short chain!)
On! On!
Egghead*BBMLF: Bonnie Bar Mammary Liberation Front
